By Kevin Dukelow
Texas Congressman Ron Paul has taken a controversial stance on the role of the federal government to win over his base. Congressman Paul claims that he would eliminate the federal government and replace all federal employees with alien overlords.
“We know they are here,” said the congressman, “Moulder was onto something.”
Paul says that these aliens would have attacked under the Bush administration, but had found no sign on intelligent life on Earth between 2002-2008. Now that Barack Obama is president, the aliens detected an intelligent presence and are back to invade. “Thanks a lot, Obama!” Paul said as his audience applauded. “If Palin had been elected, this never would have happened.”
Many were wondering why Paul was mumbling to himself about alien invasions and anxiously walking back and forth like a tiger in a cage.
“See, this is exactly what happens when we open our borders to illegal aliens and don’t check the president’s birth certificate,” said Paul, seemingly becoming nuttier and more bat shit crazy as the speech progressed.
Many on the ground have denied that there was an extraterrestrial presence at Paul’s campaign rally, and told us that Paul was “seeing things,” and one went so far to call Paul “delusional, if not psychotic.” But Paul claimed to have met one of the aliens and even shook its hand. Witnesses reported that this person was actually a food vendor managing a booth at the event.
Rush Limbaugh took to the microphone in support of Paul and began unzipping the back of his suit, revealing that he was actually Jabba the Hut in disguise. All we could see was naked Rush flesh, but Paul took his word for it. The crowd, though, was but not all that surprised, suspecting that Limbaugh has to be from somewhere out of this world.
Paul continued his rant on Fox News, where the hosts were surprisingly accepting of his extraterrestrial accounts, so much so that they showered him with gifts and stuck out their forked tongues in celebration.
“Let’s hope that our alien overlords are benevolent and choose not to drink our brains from straws,” said Paul in the Fox News interview. “I wear this tin foil hat just in case the aliens get any ideas.”
Paul could be seen at a campaign rally in Illinois in front of a banner reading “welcome our alien overlords,” saying “the alien’s efficient and horrifying new slave camps will teach our children the benefits of hard work and unregulated capitalism, unlike the failing public school system. Also, there will be no more college debt when the alien queen eats students at their graduations after their purpose has been served.”
Paul has also made the case that being eaten by the alien queen will significantly reduce social security costs, as nobody will live past the age of twenty.
“Sure the alien death beams and lasers will create more fires than they extinguish, but it is not the government’s role to send firefighters into burning buildings to save lives. These lasers will make quick work of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. I am for personal responsibility. Pull your self out of your own damn rubble, damn it!”
Congressman Dennis Kucinich said that Paul was off his nut, and that, “if I wanted to invade Earth, me and his alien fleet would have invaded long ago.”