Bristol Palin Travels 1,000 Years Back in Time to Save Traditional Marriage
Bristol Palin, the daughter of half term Alaska governor Sarah Palin agreed to travel one thousand years back in time to preserve traditional marriage.
She will be testing Apple’s latest product, the iTravel, which allows people to travel thought time. Sarah Palin announced that she joined Bristol on this historic endeavor, to make sure that marriage is between a man and a woman… and Glen Rice.
When Bristol Palin arrived in 1012 AD Europe, she was greeted by a group of citizens who immediately asked why she was not accompanied by her husband. When Bristol said they she left her husband, the crowd of people quickly accused her of being a witch and chased her until she tripped and hit her jaw on a rock.
She was taken into the dentist’s office when the doctor proceeded to bash her jaw in with a rock until the problem tooth was lodged out, all without the use of anesthesia. Bristol was told to clamp down hard on the arm rests until the visit was complete. By now her lips were bleeding from the traumatic experience, and the doctor prescribed leaches to stop the swelling.
After this traumatic experience, Bristol was escorted to the town square where she faced trial for divorcing her husband, and Sarah Palin was there as well, accused of adultery after bragging about her affair with former professional basketball player Glen Rice.
“I have a scarlet letter with an A on it,” joked Palin. “That must be their show of support for Americans like me. I wish Europe treated Americans this well in the twenty second century. You betcha.”
Of course, American was not founded until 1776, and the A stands for adultery.
“Oh, sure, that’s what the mainstream media witch hunters want you to believe, but I believe that the A stands for freedom and liberty for bear arms,” said Palin.
The two were sentenced to be stoned when Sarah and Bristol returned to the year 2012 when they hit the “return” button on their iTravel device before the first rock was thrown.
When they returned, they were greeted by a crowd of Tea Party patriots and supporters, who welcomed them back with cheers and hugs.
“Whew.” said a relieved Sarah Palin, “It is good to be back with the hard working American folks who promote traditional marriage. Hey, you over there. Stop hugging that other guy. Not in my country!”
Bristol Palin, who had suffered a concussion and a broken jawbone during her trip, was still in favor of traditional marriage after the experience. She tweeted, “I think what I learned from this experience is that we should stone the gays who marry, just like the Europeans wanted to stone me. As Jesus said, he who casts the first stone wins the culture wars.”
Texas Congressman Ron Paul has taken a controversial stance on the role of the federal government to win over his base. Congressman Paul claims that he would eliminate the federal government and replace all federal employees with alien overlords.
"We know they are here," said the congressman, "Moulder was onto something."
Paul says that these aliens would have attacked under the Bush administration, but had found no sign on intelligent life on Earth between 2002-2008. Now that Barack Obama is president, the aliens detected an intelligent presence and are back to invade. “Thanks a lot, Obama!” Paul said as his audience applauded. “If Palin had been elected, this never would have happened.”
Many were wondering why Paul was mumbling to himself about alien invasions and anxiously walking back and forth like a tiger in a cage.
“See, this is exactly what happens when we open our borders to illegal aliens and don’t check the president’s birth certificate,” said Paul, seemingly becoming nuttier and more bat shit crazy as the speech progressed.
Many on the ground have denied that there was an extraterrestrial presence at Paul’s campaign rally, and told us that Paul was “seeing things,” and one went so far to call Paul “delusional, if not psychotic.” But Paul claimed to have met one of the aliens and even shook its hand. Witnesses reported that this person was actually a food vendor managing a booth at the event.
Rush Limbaugh took to the microphone in support of Paul and began unzipping the back of his suit, revealing that he was actually Jabba the Hut in disguise. All we could see was naked Rush flesh, but Paul took his word for it. The crowd, though, was but not all that surprised, suspecting that Limbaugh has to be from somewhere out of this world.
Paul continued his rant on Fox News, where the hosts were surprisingly accepting of his extraterrestrial accounts, so much so that they showered him with gifts and stuck out their forked tongues in celebration.
“Let’s hope that our alien overlords are benevolent and choose not to drink our brains from straws,” said Paul in the Fox News interview. “I wear this tin foil hat just in case the aliens get any ideas.”
Paul could be seen at a campaign rally in Illinois in front of a banner reading “welcome our alien overlords,” saying “the alien’s efficient and horrifying new slave camps will teach our children the benefits of hard work and unregulated capitalism, unlike the failing public school system. Also, there will be no more college debt when the alien queen eats students at their graduations after their purpose has been served.”
Paul has also made the case that being eaten by the alien queen will significantly reduce social security costs, as nobody will live past the age of twenty.
“Sure the alien death beams and lasers will create more fires than they extinguish, but it is not the government’s role to send firefighters into burning buildings to save lives. These lasers will make quick work of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. I am for personal responsibility. Pull your self out of your own damn rubble, damn it!”
Congressman Dennis Kucinich said that Paul was off his nut, and that, “if I wanted to invade Earth, me and his alien fleet would have invaded long ago.”
Huge Pornography Stash Found at Rick Santorum's House
By Kevin Dukelow
Rick Santorum, who has prioritized his anti-pornography stance in his campaign, may be a hypocrite. A report that Rick Santorum’s friend has found boxes of porn magazines and DVD’s underneath his bathroom sink is sparking questions about Santorum’s honesty and faith. Santorum does not deny having the collection and says that they “caught him red handed,” but the he “is special,” and can, “do what he wants when he speaks out against porn.” He also says that he did not pull a “Jason Russell,” and that he was watching it for research to “learn more about Satan’s plans,” so he he prepare, “to oppose Satan.”
Voters are starting to reject Santorum’s supposed self-ordained privileges. Santorum, who has a sick child, pays nearly a million dollars a year for her health care, opposes universal health care which would help those who cannot afford healthcare get well without going bankrupt.
"People have to pay their own premiums. I mean, Jesus said ‘hand me your poor, your weak, your huddled masses and I will deny them healthcare when they are ill.’" When asked if patients would be forced to wear "euthanize me," bands around their wrists, Santorum said, "Of course not. I’m not going to make sure than nobody knows about who dies from high health care premiums. It is important that Catholic Jesus keeps this between the Lord and the victim, I mean, hospital patient."
BREAKING The porn found at Santorum’s residence was supplied by Marcus Bachmann and is allegedly gay porn. Santorum has explained that he did not know where the porn came from, and described Marcus Bachmann as a “two-timing bitch.”
Jason Russell Supporters Take to the Streets… Naked
By Kevin Dukelow
In what Kony 2012 supporters assumed was a slick campaign stunt, many of Jason Russell’s fans have taken to the streets… naked. Hundreds of Thousands of Kony 2012 followers have gone outside, naked and pounding the pavement like enraged gorillas.
Many of their neighbors were shocked to see the people they recognized and loved standing before them naked and flailing their arms around like chimpanzees in the early morning hours. Many of the protesters said that the protesting made them hungry and they felt like eating Coney Island hot dogs.
“It is amazing how much control these viral videos have over people’s lives and how they react so strongly to these videos,” says Marty Smith who watched his teenage son take to the streets in protest. “If Jason Russell can bring attention to this issue and lead an army of followers who will react so passionately to all of his viral videos, I think that he’s got something here.”
Many are branding Russell’s new form of protest “jacktivism”, apparently because his fans are so jacked up for change.
“Something was definitely up,” said one police officer. “It looks like hunger strikes have gone the way of the dodo.”
One Kony 2012 supporter, a teen blogger, was willing to speak with us, saying somewhat offensively that “she feels good standing naked like the Africans that Kony exploited, you know, like the ones in the nature videos and stuff,” and that she, “also liked the video of the cat playing piano, and Rebecca Black’s train wreck.”
Noam Chomsky called this blogger’s statement offensive. “These bloggers obviously have no idea about the colonialism that took place in Uganda that sparked the violence. All they know about is a flashy video. They do know, however, that this new video will be awkward to explain to Russell’s son who will most likely say, ‘we have to stop my crazy daddy.’”
Jason Russell could not be reached for comment, but his followers are obviously pumped and out showing their support. Just look out your window today and you may see an ocean of white flesh not seen since the first rain at UC Santa Cruz.
Kony 2012 decided to show the new videos to Ugandans, many of whom had never seen a You Tube video. They chased the filmmakers to the planes and made sure they left, “in no way reminiscent to the famous scene from Indiana Jones,” one Russell supporter said.
Despite the recent controversy, many have to ask why the media has done so little to report on atrocities like the Darfur and Rwandan genocide, the conflict in the Congo and the child armies in Uganda.
A CNN spokesperson provided us with the answer. “Hey, do you want to see Wolf Blitzer, Candy Crowley or Chris Matthews run out into the public square naked after reporting about atrocities in Africa? I didn’t think so.”