2 posts tagged Politics

Bristol Palin, the daughter of half term Alaska governor Sarah Palin agreed to travel one thousand years back in time to preserve traditional marriage.

She will be testing Apple’s latest product, the iTravel, which allows people to  travel thought time. Sarah Palin announced that she joined Bristol on this historic endeavor, to make sure that marriage is between a man and a woman… and Glen Rice.

When Bristol Palin arrived in 1012 AD Europe, she was greeted by a group of citizens who immediately asked why she was not accompanied by her husband. When Bristol said they she left her husband, the crowd of people quickly accused her of being a witch and chased her until she tripped and hit her jaw on a rock.

She was taken into the dentist’s office when the doctor proceeded to bash her jaw in with a rock until the problem tooth was lodged out, all without the use of anesthesia. Bristol was told to clamp down hard on the arm rests until the visit was complete. By now her lips were bleeding from the traumatic experience, and the doctor prescribed leaches to stop the swelling.

After this traumatic experience, Bristol was escorted to the town square where she faced trial for divorcing her husband, and Sarah Palin was there as well, accused of adultery after bragging about her affair with former professional basketball player Glen Rice.

“I have a scarlet letter with an A on it,” joked Palin. “That must be their show of support for Americans like me. I wish Europe treated Americans this well in the twenty second century. You betcha.”

Of course, American was not founded until 1776, and the A stands for adultery.

“Oh, sure, that’s what the mainstream media witch hunters want you to believe, but I believe that the A stands for freedom and liberty for bear arms,” said Palin.

The two were sentenced to be stoned when Sarah and Bristol returned to the year 2012 when they hit the “return” button on their iTravel device before the first rock was thrown.

When they returned, they were greeted by a crowd of Tea Party patriots and supporters, who welcomed them back with cheers and hugs.

“Whew.” said a relieved Sarah Palin, “It is good to be back with the hard working American folks who promote traditional marriage. Hey, you over there. Stop hugging that other guy. Not in my country!”

Bristol Palin, who had suffered a concussion and a broken jawbone during her trip, was still in favor of traditional marriage after the experience. She tweeted, “I think what I learned from this experience is that we should stone the gays who marry, just like the Europeans wanted to stone me. As Jesus said, he who casts the first stone wins the culture wars.”

By Kevin Dukelow

Rick Santorum, who has prioritized his anti-pornography stance in his campaign, may be a hypocrite. A report that Rick Santorum’s friend has found boxes of porn magazines and DVD’s underneath his bathroom sink is sparking questions about Santorum’s honesty and faith. Santorum does not deny having the collection and says that they “caught him red handed,” but the he “is special,” and can, “do what he wants when he speaks out against porn.” He also says that he did not pull a “Jason Russell,” and that he was watching it for research to “learn more about Satan’s plans,” so he he prepare, “to oppose Satan.”

Voters are starting to reject Santorum’s supposed self-ordained privileges. Santorum, who has a sick child, pays nearly a million dollars a year for her health care, opposes universal health care which would help those who cannot afford healthcare get well without going bankrupt.

“People have to pay their own premiums. I mean, Jesus said ‘hand me your poor, your weak, your huddled masses and I will deny them healthcare when they are ill.’” When asked if patients would be forced to wear “euthanize me,” bands around their wrists, Santorum said, “Of course not. I’m not going to make sure than nobody knows about who dies from high health care premiums. It is important that Catholic Jesus keeps this between the Lord and the victim, I mean, hospital patient.”

BREAKING The porn found at Santorum’s residence was supplied by Marcus Bachmann and is allegedly gay porn. Santorum has explained that he did not know where the porn came from, and described Marcus Bachmann as a “two-timing bitch.”